Cha-cha-cha-cha-changes

It is with great remorse that I'm informing you that I've decided to pursue other opportunities. Ok, not that much remorse.

All right, not any remorse, but I WILL miss many of you. Okay, some.

Don't make me name you. You know who you are.

See, I've grown in my time here. I've matured. Just look at my beard and you'll see the grey hairs and nose-thirls, wild and rangy.

I wish I could say I've learned things, and I guess I have, but they're the bigger picture things about what I want to do with my life and what I need to do about getting it. There are some Photoshop techniques in there as well. But that's about it. I leave as I came, wearing the same suit, except with some change in the pockets.

I think you're a fine company - really I do - and it's not you at all. It's me. I've changed since we began our relationship (and we don't have to bring up the salary cut at all). So I don't want you to feel bad about yourself. We just weren't meant to be. It wasn't true love, was it? Otherwise, it would've been different.

What? My new relationship? Well it's early on, but she's hotter than you and has more money. Bigger tits, really. I know, I'm shallow like that, but I'm a guy and you can't really expect me not to...

That was uncalled for, I must say. I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm very happy now. This new company is kind and generous and...

No, you're an unmitigated whore.

I don't care.

Goodbye.