WHY I'M BADASS: Donna Moore

Scotland. The land of Scots. Gloomy. Full of bad food and native soil of Groundskeeper Willie. People talk funny there and don't wear any undergarments. Scotland, where sense is delivered through wallops to the head.

Little known fact: I am of Clan Campbell which, in a masterstroke of betrayal, slew a goodly number of Clan MacDonald, uhm, that we had invited over for burgers or something. Sorry 'bout that. My bad. Supposedly, folks over in Scotland still hate the shit out of us.

Anywho, we've got Donna Moore (hopefully not of Clan MacDonald) here today. Donna is a hot (see PICTure, pun intended) author of Old Dogs. She loves crime and crimey things in fiction form. She has the thighs of a pubescent eastern European gymnast and the disposition of an angel. An angel of vengeance. She will love you TO DEATH!

Rattle your skean dubhs and twirl your kilts coquettishly for Donna Moore, aka @BadsvilleBroad!

NOTE: Turns out she's not Scottish, she's a displaced English lass. Still, she lives in Scotland. So, I'm keeping the intro. (It was more about ME anyway.)
-------

JHJ: Why are you badass? Please explain your badassery.

DM: Since the definition of badass is tough, aggressive and uncooperative I’m going to say no. Quite politely. At first.

JHJ: Ummmmm...okay. You know this is an interview, right? And that typically we ask the questions and you, as interviewee, answer them. Let's try this again. What’s the most bad-fucking-ass thing you’ve ever done?

DM: Kneed a mugger in the balls, flown a plane without lessons, caught the night bus in Glasgow, and was surrounded by six large men with guns at El Paso airport. Off the top of my head.

JHJ: I wondered how long it would take in this series until testicle mutilation was mentioned. Congrats! You're the first to talk about balls. Speaking of the male reproductive organs, also commonly referred to as "junk," how many weapons do you own (not including your hands)?

DM: Everything in my house is a potential weapon. I once dropped one of my suitcases on my head.

JHJ: Even badasses have a soft side. A mark of a true badass is to be able to admit her love. What do you love without stint or reservation? (If you say “My kids” or “My cat” you are not badass. Those are given. Be bold.)

DM: I love my six pairs of Doc Marten boots (including the fluorescent pink pair and the French brothel wallpaper pair), I love my signed, framed original cover of Eddie Muller’s SHADOW BOXER and I love my Mum. She’s even more of a badass than I am.

JHJ: Awww. Badass moms. My mom isn't badass. But she thinks I'm special. Okay, moving ever onward. What’s the most badass book ever written?

DM: Edward Gorey’s THE GASHLYCRUMB TINIES. Any book written for children that contains the line “F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech,” is badass in the extreme.

JHJ: I love Edward Gorey. Have you seen the artwork of Don Kenn? He's like the reincarnation of Edward Gorey, except without the joie de vivre. What’s the most badass movie you’ve ever seen?

DM: Nicholas Winding Refn’s PUSHER trilogy and Park Chan Wook’s OLDBOY . Especially Oldboy. Some of it from behind a cushion. A badass cushion covered in skulls.

JHJ: Oldboy is totally awesome. Harrowing and incestuous but totally awesome. Okay, when you’re out and about, being a total fucking badass, what music do you listen to?

DM: The Ramones, The Clash, The Cramps, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. Do I need to say more? If I do, how about The Violent Femmes’ COUNTRY DEATH SONG? With lyrics such as this I rest my case:

‘Well, I'm a thinkin' and thinkin', till there's nothin' I ain't thunk.
Breathing in the stink, till finally I stunk.
It was at that time, I swear I lost my mind.
I started making plans to kill my own kind.’

JHJ: You ever kill a man? Describe how you’d kill your worst enemy. Make it good.

DM: I’ve recently been spending time at the gym, working on my inner thigh muscles. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. Make it good.

JHJ: How would you dispose of his/her body?

DM: I’d bake some little pies and sell them from an anonymous catering truck.

JHJ: When you’re at the Badass Cave, cold chilling with your significant other(s) – and you guys are going to drink and feast and get freaky. Describe that badass night – your meal, your music, your drink. Getting your badass super-freak on. Don’t be shy. We’re all freaks here.

DM: A big dish of Aqutak (also known as Eskimo Ice Cream) made of white fish, sugar, Crisco and berries (even my arteries are badass), a large vat of margaritas (with plenty of salt around the edges) for an evening of terpsichorean delectation to the aforementioned bands with a bit of Alien Sex Fiend, Sex Gang Children, Bauhaus, The Skids and The Distillers thrown in. Come round. There’ll be fingerfood and dips.

JHJ: Aqutak. That sounds totally gnarly. But my curiosity is... hungry. I must try it. Please explain how you can dance to those bands... And I mean dance, not thrash about like an epileptic spasming on the floor.

DM: ...

JHJ: I thought so. But feel free to append a video in the comments. Heh. Okay, next up, the last words section. The haters got lucky and caught your badass self by the border. You’re about to be hanged. What are your badass last words?

DM: Hanged? Then I think I’d have to go with “I’m heavier than I look.” Or, perhaps, “Why isn’t the trapdoor op—“ Although I’m rather tempted by George V’s “Bugger Bognor.”

DM: So, you write books, do you?

JHJ: Depends on who’s asking.



DM: Okay. Let me explain the whole interview concept again. I ask questions, and you then answer them. Right? Got it? Okay. What’s your work about and how is it badass?

JHJ: OLD DOGS is about two ex-hookers in their eighties who decide to steal a pair of valuable artefacts from a museum. I like badass elderly people. It gives me something to look forward to in my dotage.

DM: Where can we buy that bad mama-jama?

JHJ: From your favourite bookstore. Maybe.

I am so badass, I'm including a link to were they can buy it in Internetland. Thanks for playing. You are totally badass. Much like your shoes.