Numero dos in the WHY I'M BADASS interview series is Julie Summerell Teat. Julie is a internet wit, a badass who owns swords (which seems to be a theme - true badasses have swords) a mother of cute as hell chirren, a gardener and a helluva writer.
Put yer hands together for Julie Summerell Teat.
JHJ: Why are you badass? Please explain your badassery.
JTS: I am badass because I can feed a family of four for one month for $300 when I need to, I eat half-dollar sized gobs of sriracha on Triscuits to kill migraines, and I might be able to out-cook you. Someday we’ll have to see.
JHJ: Shit, I'm sure you can outcook me. The only stuff I do well is char meat. I doubt you could beat me at that. But what the fuck? That's a competition I'd love to lose as long as I get to eat it. But enough about how badass I am - this is known. I am badass. We're here to talk about how badass YOU ARE. What’s the most bad-fucking-ass thing you’ve ever done?
JTS: I did not freak out when they had to cut my son out of me to save him, and I asked to watch them do it. They didn’t let me.
JHJ: Shit. That is badass. I had the nails on my big toes removed and I actually DID watch that. It was cool. Speaking of big toes, how many sexual partners have you had? Feel free to give details, provide pictures, give anecdotes.
JTS: I have no recollection of any sexual partners prior to my husband. It’s called, “selective memory.” You should try it.
JHJ: I go for the limiting the input through selective perception. That way you don't even have to remember to forget. What’s the most badass book ever written?
JTS: BOY’S LIFE by Robert McCammon. But not in the standard definition of badass, I imagine.
JHJ: That is a freakin' badass book. Good call on that one. You know what's badass? I'm represented by the same literary agency as McCammon. But enough with this bookish shit. What’s the most badass movie you’ve ever seen?
JTS: BRAVEHEART. I know. I know. But every time I watch those battle scenes I discover that my lips are pulled back from my teeth, and I’m in fight-or-flight. So, you know. Big swords impress this chick.
JHJ: When you’re out and about, being a total fucking badass, what music do you listen to?
JTS: For real in 2011 or prior to kids? Because I’m never out and about anymore without kids unless I’m running to the convenience store/mini-mall up the road. Right now I interrupt Disney Princess music with The Pogues- PEACE AND LOVE, and even with the kids in the back seat I yell for Oliver Cromwell to burn in hell.
JHJ: For a second there you almost made me question your badassery with the Disney crap. But then you pulled out The Pogues and redeemed your badassitude. I will not have to pull your card. So, you ever kill a man? Describe how you’d kill your worst enemy. Make it good.
JTS: I’m not sure. There might be some old flames who pined away to nothing, but I won’t take the blame. If I had a worst enemy I’d use a Titan vegetable peeler to remove all of his or her skin, pour rubbing alcohol over said enemy, let it marinade a bit, and then bullet to the head.
JHJ: How would you dispose of his/her body?
JHJ: Ha! That is totally badass. Especially since you don't live at the shore. Okay. After you get caught and are waiting to be executed, what would you have as your last meal? What’s the most badass eats you can think of?
JTS: Hot wings, side of Eastern NC barbecue, cheesesteak hoagie, onion rings, and a slice of pizza from Mack and Mancos.
JHJ: Wow. That's a badass meal. Good thing you'd be dead after it because I'd hate to see that oil-slick of a BM. What would be your badass last words?
JTS: A belch.
JHJ: So, you write books, do you? What’s your work about and how is it badass?
JTS: You mean the one sitting in the electronic drawer? It’s a short about a WWII vet who has to deal with a nasty situation, and it might or might not have a supernatural element. I have not yet written his badassery beyond still having the hots for his wife. Old people in love are badass.
JHJ: You have the hots for his wife? That's badass. Geriatric Sapphic love. I'm looking through the badass manual... geriatrics with firearms... geriatrics with playmates... hmm. Not listed in the Official Badass Manual. Well, it isn't in the banned section either, so, until there can be a ruling on it... you're still a badass. Geriatric Sapphic love. Who'd have thunk it. And that's all in your book. Where can we buy of that bad mama-jama?
JTS: You cannot yet, because I have yet to finish it. Badasses must have patience.
JHJ: We will wait for you. We will wait for you forever, you badass.
John Hornor Jacobs is a novelist, among other things. His novel, SOUTHERN GODS, will be published in August 2011 by Night Shade Books. THIS DARK EARTH will be published in July 2012 by Gallery/Simon & Schuster. The INCARCERADO TRILOGY, comprised of THE TWELVE FINGERED BOY, INCARCERADO, and THE END OF ALL THINGS will be published by Carolrhoda Labs in 2013, 2014, 2015 respectively.
Represented by THE Stacia Decker of the Donald Maass Literary Agency.