WHY I'M BADASS: Selena Jo Chambers

Selena. It is a name of mystery, a name of magic. It's slinky and silent. Like a catwoman. Sheesh, don't get me started on cats.

Jo. Your slightly deranged cousin, on your mother's side, whom no one really knows what's wrong with, but there's talk that Vicki Sue, Jo's mother, might have been abnormally close to her brother, Joephus. Consanguinity problems.

And Chambers. The name of the man who brought us The King in Yellow. Also, chambers are places you can store stuff. And put beds, pots, and maids.

Put 'em all together and you have it. Or her. Selena Jo Chambers, total fucking badass.

Please give a resounding beatpoet bongo blast and snap applause for SJ.

JHJ: It's so nice to have you here. We don't do classy around this joint very much so it's nice that you're willing to slum. Onto the nitty gritty, as they say. Please explain your badassery.

SJ: It’s in my blood. I'm a mutt of badassery—Irish, French, Choctaw, and Gorgon. That's right, I'm like 1/16th Gorgon. Of course, that hasn't been authenticated yet, and when I bring it up my parents change the subject, but I know it to be true because I have a stink eye that turns people to stone, or at least into simpering apologists.

JHJ: I need to reference my Monster Manual to recall the details on Gorgons. Hmm. Armor Class 25, Speed 5, HP 85. Breath Weapon, small cone 15 vs DEF (Fort.), Dazed AND Slowed, PETRIFIED. Hmm. A bull-like visage. I've chatted with you in person, you didn't seem like you had halitosis problems, nor such high hit points. Well, that's a great lineage you got going on there. I bet it gets embarrassing around the in-laws when the Irish comes out. Anywho, what’s the most bad-fucking-ass thing you’ve ever done?

SJ: I killed my modeling career by surviving a motorcycle crash. In college, I was helping a friend with a photo project that was something like Rob Zombie rocks at The Factory, and long story short, I found myself on the back of a hog, helmetless, on a dirt road, of which the driver quickly lost control, and we crashed into a ditch. I flew 30 feet from the bike, my go-go boots torn to shreds, but otherwise unharmed, while the driver broke a tree with his ribs. I gained consciousness as the tree fell into the road, missing me by a few feet.

The incident itself isn't bad ass, and I don’t' recommend biking on Harleys down dirt roads, helmetless and in porn boots, but the fact that I seemed to have survived with nothing but scratches is bad ass. That, and I now suspect I have adamantium for bones.

JHJ: Wow. You must've really rolled high on that saving throw. Speaking of porn boots, how many sexual partners have you had? Feel free to give details, provide pictures, give anecdotes.

SJ: π

JHJ: That IS badass. Did the one guy keep repeating himself? Har-de-har-har. Sorry, couldn't stop myself. All right, onto matters grave and serious. What’s the most badass book ever written?

SJ: Walden by Henry David Thoreau. King of the Quiet Badasses.

JHJ: True, that. Thoreau is a total badass. Not only was he getting all transcendental up in that bitch, he totally rocked the neckbeard. Guys who can pull off a neckbeard are few and far between. So, what’s the most badass movie you’ve ever seen?

SJ: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas—Terry Gilliam, Johnny Depp, and Del Toro lost in Hunter S. Thompson land. How much more badass can ya get?

JHJ: Never saw it, but I'd say drug-fueled Gonzo stream of consciousness stuff is pretty badass. And any man that will smoke using a Cruella Deville cigarette holder has got stones on him the size of basketballs. Balls! Ahem. Okay. Onward...When you’re out and about, being a total fucking badass, what music do you listen to?

SJ: S. J. Badass mix would include The Ravonettes, The Doors, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Le Tigre, Rob Zombie, Misfits, Dead Kennedys, Talking Heads, Lady Gaga, and Elvis.

JHJ: Hmm. De gustubus non est disputandem. But sheesh. More cat stuff. Cats are not my favorite, but I do loves me some zombies. My kids do the Lady Gaga tune "Poker Face" on Dance Central over and over and over again. "My my my my poker face. Mau mau mau." That repeating shit makes me want to get stabby. Speaking of, you ever kill a man? Describe how you’d kill your worst enemy. Make it good.

SJ: Of course not. But, were it necessary, say it's like a post-apocalyptic situation where it was between sole existence of me or said worst enemy, I'd stop them in their tracks with my Gorgon Stink Eye, then slowly chisel at their pride until they were reduced to fleshy pebbles for the turtles and Crows to maw on for digestive purposes. Really, the more I think of it, that's more of a cute death than a cold-blooded one, but that's how I roll.

JHJ: How would you dispose of his/her body?

SJ: See turtles and crows.

JHJ: Awww. At least on the sea turtles. Crows kinda creep me out, though. Anywho, after you get caught and are waiting to be executed, what would you have as your last meal? What’s the most badass eats you can think of?

SJ: My Gramm's Chicken and Dumplings, her Spaghetti with meat sauce, a gallon of Amarino dark chocolate gelato, and a Café con Leche from the old lady who serves Cuban coffee out of a gas station in Key Largo.

JHJ: Dayum. Carb loading and banging caffeine and sugar for your execution. You are totally badass. What would be your last words?

SJ: To ape Vonnegut: So it goes.

JHJ: Let's see. You've worked in Thoreau, Hunter Thompson, Vonnegut into your answers so far. Dare I say erudite and badass? Incredibly well read? I think that's given. So, you write books, do you? What’s your work about and how is it badass?


SJ: I have co-written a badass book called The Steampunk Bible with the supreme Badass of Literary Ownage Jeff VanderMeer. I also have a short story called "Dr. Lambshead's Dark Room," appearing in Herr VanderMeer and the Badass of Weird Ann VanderMeer's Thackery T. Lambshead Cabinet of Curiosities, which is a badass anthology including Alan Moore, Michael Moorcock, John Coulthart, Jake von Slatt, and an entire legion of badass artists and writers. I am also the Senior Articles Editor at Strange Horizons magazine, which was just nominated for a British Fantasy award, and also ramble on Tor.com and Bookslut.

JHJ: Heh. My buddy Steve Weddle loves Moorcock. He cannot wait for the next Moorcock release. He just can't get enough Moorcock! Okay. Where can we buy more of those bad mama-jamas?

SJ: The Steampunk Bible, Thackery T. Lambshead Cabinet of Curiosities

JHJ: Sweet. I already have The Steampunk Bible that you were kind enough to dedicate to my girls. Thank you for being part of this interview series. You are totally badass.

SJ: No way. You are totally badass. Thanks for having me.

JHJ: NO, YOU ARE. Bam. Last word. I haz it.