WHY I'M BADASS: Martel Sardina

I do not know enough about Martel to riff on where she hails from, though judging by her accent, it's far north of the Mason-Dixon line. I can tell you this, whatever I think about her accent, she does not give one fuck.

For instance, we were at the World Horror Convention in Austin, Texas, and I was deep in my cups due to some good news - pretty damn good news - so I was understandably tight, traipsing my way from room party to room party. I would see Martel in passing and hail her, resoundingly. Without batting an eye, she's say, "Ya, oh hey, John," glance at me to check my level of sobriety and then move away.

Only later did I realize that instead of calling her Martel, I'd been referring to her as Martina, like she was some Czech athlete.

So, here's how badass she is: she didn't break me down and kick my ass for garbling her name. That, mi amigos, is kindness. And kindness is badass. And Martel Sardina is totally badass.

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JHJ: Why are you badass? Please explain your badassery.

MS: A true badass does not explain her badassery. Much like being cool, it’s something you just are.

JHJ: Either I'm going to have to change this first question OR folks are gonna have to understand the concept of interview. I ask the questions. You answer them, wot? What’s the most bad-fucking-ass thing you’ve ever done?

MS: Which of these is the most badass? Being the lead singer in a metal band called The Janitors of Anarchy, taking an unauthorized water taxi ride in Cabo San Lucas, or being tied to railroad tracks (a la Snidely Whiplash) in an art house film? The water taxi was the most frightening of the three for sure.

JHJ: I'm going to go with being the lead singer of The Janitors of Anarchy. What do I win?

MS: ...

JHJ: Nothing? Shoot. Okay. Moving on. How many weapons do you own (not including your hands)?

MS: One. Sweeney Todd, the world’s fiercest attack wiener dog. Watch your ankles, folks.

JHJ: *Shudder* Death by weiner dog is terrifying. Speaking of weiners, even badasses have a soft side. A mark of a true badass is to be able to admit her love. What do you love without stint or reservation? (If you say “My kids” or “My cat” you are not badass. Those are given. Be bold.)

MS: Tex Avery cartoons. A real badass can enjoy a good laugh now and then.

JHJ: What’s the most badass book ever written?

MS: The Deep Blue Good-By by John D. MacDonald.

JHJ: I'm ashamed to admit I haven't read that one. It's going on my list. What’s the most badass movie you’ve ever seen?

MS: True Romance

JHJ: That is the second time True Romance has been mentioned in this interview series. I'm thinking it's probably ranking up there in the top badass movies. Okay, next up. When you’re out and about, being a total fucking badass, what music do you listen to?

MS: I love all kinds of music. So it could be anything from Buddy Holly to Motorhead.

JHJ: You ever kill a man? Describe how you’d kill your worst enemy. Make it good.

MS: On paper, yes. For real, no. Sometimes killing is the easy way out. I don’t know that I’m interested in killing my worst enemy per se. I think breaking the person’s spirit and letting them live is a far worse punishment.

JHJ: Good point. But just saying you did kill 'em. How would you dispose of his/her body?

MS: Toss ‘em in quicksand.

JHJ: Very good, effendi. You are as wise as you are crafty.

MS: ...

JHJ: Um. Yeah. Well, there's that impression. So, when you’re at the Badass Cave, cold chilling with your significant other(s) – and you guys are going to drink and feast and get freaky. Describe that badass night – your meal, your music, your drink. Getting your badass super-freak on. Don’t be shy. We’re all freaks here.

MS: Drinking margaritas and eating enchiladas while watching JUSTIFIED. After that, I’d break out my record player and listen to some classic rock on vinyl. Whitesnake’s “Slide It In” or Rainbow’s “Man on the Silver Mountain” immediately come to mind.

JHJ: Heh. Whitesnake. Hair band who likes groupies names their band Whitesnake? Hehehe. I guess I could've named my band Albinoworm, or Purplemushroomhead. Those names would've slayed.

MS: ...

JHJ: What? You don't think so?

MS: ...

JHJ: Dang, tough crowd here today. Okay, the haters got lucky and caught your badass self by the border. You’re about to be hanged. What are your badass last words?

MS: “I always knew it would come to this. I’ve got no regrets. I’ve had a good run.”

JHJ: So, you write books, do you? What’s your work about and how is it badass?

MS: I write short fiction and poetry. The types of stories I write range from romance to noir crime to horror. My work is badass because I like to dwell on characters and/or subjects that are uncomfortable to read about. I like to shed light on things that most people would rather ignore.

JHJ: Where can we buy some of those bad mama-jamas?

MS: I currently have a poem in A SEA OF ALONE: POEMS FOR ALFRED HITCHCOCK and an essay in BUTCHER KNIVES AND BODY COUNTS. Both were published by Dark Scribe Press.

You can watch the trailer for BUTCHER KNIVES AND BODY COUNTS here.

And if you want to find out what I’m up to, you can find me online at www.martelsardina.com or follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/martelsardina or friend me on Facebook.

JHJ: Thanks for playing. You are totally badass.